I was in love. 2010 April - I would do anything to just see her for once. It to this day has been one of the most strongly felt sentiments in my life. I trust that she did believe me when I did write into her what I did. I trust she appreciated that as a human, I was righteous in doing what I did.
I am in love. 2012 March. She has been getting on my nerves lately though. Its a bit too difficult even reaching her. Its made me give up on saying those small things that I just loved doing. Non-responsiveness is the biggest turn off, it seems.
But then she reaches out in her own way. It moves me often. Some stupid one liners would often make me feel the warmest of emotions. What I wish she understood was that I am getting increasingly tired of the effort that it takes in just getting my word across.
Its easy to say that we are/were in love. Is it not just another craving like I had when I loved chocolates as a kid (as a matter of fact I still love them). Whats the difference between love and a strong friendship ? Not much if you ask me....except maybe that socially, good friends are supposed to profess "love" before they engage in the act of sex.
I crave sex. I love it..I know that. Am I supposed to do it only with her? What if she's not there ? What if she's too much of a wimp to do it ? What if she's wrecked sexually ? Am I supposed to take the healing forward till shes fine ?
I will do that but my desires will take their toll on me. Its not easy repressing this desire. I think I would be talking to her about it. In fact I'll tell her to read this.
I would like her company. I would like to pareshan karofy her like anything....for every small reason that I can bug her for. From her bag to her hair...to her toenails.....I would wake her up every morning with some controlled asabhya acts.....I would lift her off the dining table and carry her to the bed in my arms....often (unless off course I am tired)...and I would see those little shining stars in her eyes. I hope to, till I am.
I love her. But then its ridiculous. How can she actually be so beautiful as she seems. Trust me, she suddenly took this status ever since I felt things for her.
But I love her anyways.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Monday, December 26, 2011
Of things that may or may not really matter in life.
I love pasteries, they're delicious, and they're soft. And when baked well, they just melt in your mouth before you know it. And the taste lingers on for a little while, and then leaves you gasping for more.
I love other things too. Music being one of them. But somehow, I am beginning to feel that music is best appreciated by those in definite states of mind. Be it sadness or joy. It is the undecided, uncertain mind which can never truly taste this delicacy for the soul. Possibly becasue it has not decided to live life yet.
I have a simplistic approach to life. I think in my mother tongue and since its a bit of a mental effort to truly understand and appreciate english songs, I stick to bollywood songs and other hindi albums for my share of the world of chords, notes and resonances.
Of all the angrejji songs that I have managed to like, some that I can think of right now are:
1. Titanic: My heart will go on.
2. Ricky Martin: Livin' la vida loca, Private emotion, Amor etc. (Spanish though, to be precise)
3. Ronan Keating: When you say nothing at all.
4. Enrique Iglesias: Somebody's me
5. Joni Mitchell: Both sides now.
Hmm...enough of listing songs now, lets move on to the cribbing now, shall we ?
Born about 27 years ago in a place called Pandey Paikuli, in a typical middle class family with an illusory belief of belonging to the upper middle - upper class; I grew up with strong indoctrinations of what was right and what was wrong.
I feel that a lot of people from my generation would have had trouble adapting to the expectaions that an increasingly media driven culture puts on people. I for example, as a young man am supposed to always stay "cool" ,and frankly, I am someone who likes to live life at my own pace. Dont get me wrong here....I like to keep doing things. I am not someone who would sit idly at all. I would do stuff, but I would not like to be driven by some expectation of appearing cool to the world. So I would buy an average mobile phone, and not an Iphone, I would get a zenith laptop with the same specs as a dell counterpart would have, for a much lesser price; and I would not really rush behind branded apparels. But what living through this transitionary period has done to me is that it has exposed me to a lot of conflicts at several levels.
I am a conservative by conditioning, and a libertarian by taste.
I am religious by conditioning and an agnostic in my intellectual position.
I am sexually repressed by conditioning, and I seek physical compainionship indeed.
I am honest by conditioning, and the social acceptability and ir-removability of corruption makes me feel like a fool.
I am an idealist by conditioning, but I can see how the social mechanisms play critical roles in shaping our futures.
I am a bit of a lot of things, it seems. Things that may not matter in the grand universal scheme of things...or would they ? ;)
I love other things too. Music being one of them. But somehow, I am beginning to feel that music is best appreciated by those in definite states of mind. Be it sadness or joy. It is the undecided, uncertain mind which can never truly taste this delicacy for the soul. Possibly becasue it has not decided to live life yet.
I have a simplistic approach to life. I think in my mother tongue and since its a bit of a mental effort to truly understand and appreciate english songs, I stick to bollywood songs and other hindi albums for my share of the world of chords, notes and resonances.
Of all the angrejji songs that I have managed to like, some that I can think of right now are:
1. Titanic: My heart will go on.
2. Ricky Martin: Livin' la vida loca, Private emotion, Amor etc. (Spanish though, to be precise)
3. Ronan Keating: When you say nothing at all.
4. Enrique Iglesias: Somebody's me
5. Joni Mitchell: Both sides now.
Hmm...enough of listing songs now, lets move on to the cribbing now, shall we ?
Born about 27 years ago in a place called Pandey Paikuli, in a typical middle class family with an illusory belief of belonging to the upper middle - upper class; I grew up with strong indoctrinations of what was right and what was wrong.
I feel that a lot of people from my generation would have had trouble adapting to the expectaions that an increasingly media driven culture puts on people. I for example, as a young man am supposed to always stay "cool" ,and frankly, I am someone who likes to live life at my own pace. Dont get me wrong here....I like to keep doing things. I am not someone who would sit idly at all. I would do stuff, but I would not like to be driven by some expectation of appearing cool to the world. So I would buy an average mobile phone, and not an Iphone, I would get a zenith laptop with the same specs as a dell counterpart would have, for a much lesser price; and I would not really rush behind branded apparels. But what living through this transitionary period has done to me is that it has exposed me to a lot of conflicts at several levels.
I am a conservative by conditioning, and a libertarian by taste.
I am religious by conditioning and an agnostic in my intellectual position.
I am sexually repressed by conditioning, and I seek physical compainionship indeed.
I am honest by conditioning, and the social acceptability and ir-removability of corruption makes me feel like a fool.
I am an idealist by conditioning, but I can see how the social mechanisms play critical roles in shaping our futures.
I am a bit of a lot of things, it seems. Things that may not matter in the grand universal scheme of things...or would they ? ;)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
About goodness
Dear Ma,
I wish you would read it someday, I wish so. For I want to tell you something you did not know. I want to tell you, that when I was very young....say about 5 years of age, and you told me to be good and you told me that that was how I'd get what I'd want... you lied.
You told me to be honest .... I believed you ma... And I am here in this world now, I have been honest so far,.....and from what I know of how it works; I have dreams of transformational changes in the world that might never materialize, because I must be a part of the system to hope to ever change it. And once I decide to take the plunge, it's like passing event horizon.
You told me to respect the girls, and treat them like a gentleman...I did...I respected them so much that I never really tried to understand them. Driven by their instincts, they kept falling for the alpha males who'd talk dirty and treat them like a slut. Their genes sought power, aggression...they sought something else and I was left in an illusory world. A world which never was. Ma, I know you meant no evil, but I have desires, and you told me exactly what kept me from it....you kept me hungry ma. But I have no qualms...I know you told me what you thought was the right thing to do.
You told me ma, you told me that I was special, and that I have a special place. You treated me that way.....you did so out of your love....off course, I was special to you, I still am....and I love you back, ma...but you never told me that people are not special...its their position and the power they hold that makes them so. I know that it'll sound harsh and insensitive, but had I had a different body than the one born from you (presuming soul is existant), would "I" still be special to you ma ? Would you love me ? Tell me you would ma.... please.
I relaxed, for your love gave me comfort....I knew that I was loved for my existence and not for my achievements. I thank you for that ma....and I love you so much. But I wish you taught me, I wish you taught me that I had to fight in a world where I was just another cog.
But I thank you too, for your shadow gave me art. It gave me my imagination. Your shadow let me see the monster in the big green trees in Pandey Paikuli, yes and in that sense it gave me fear, ....but It let me see things that dont exist....that never will exist. It gave me happiness.
In time, the art would pick up from romanticism and I learnt to love. I thank you mother, for you helped me find the most beautiful girl in the world, twice :D. You gave me what it takes to love, and be loved in return. And I love you for everything you have been to me, both good and bad.
Sometimes I look back however, and wonder how life would have been for me had I been more "run of the mill". I was particularly contemplative of all the opportunities that I have had of associating with the opposite sex. I see so many possibilities that I squandered just because I didnt ever know that I was supposed to be taking them ! So much so that I actually didnt even try !
I would prefer a book to a date, even a movie or an "assabhya" chalchitra better than a date. I believe it was the conditioning from childhood that it was "wrong" to seek love on your own.
But then that conditioning is again what took me to whom I finally found. And the story wouldnt be anything short of a bollywood flick , if only we let it out.
I wish you would read it someday, I wish so. For I want to tell you something you did not know. I want to tell you, that when I was very young....say about 5 years of age, and you told me to be good and you told me that that was how I'd get what I'd want... you lied.
You told me to be honest .... I believed you ma... And I am here in this world now, I have been honest so far,.....and from what I know of how it works; I have dreams of transformational changes in the world that might never materialize, because I must be a part of the system to hope to ever change it. And once I decide to take the plunge, it's like passing event horizon.
You told me to respect the girls, and treat them like a gentleman...I did...I respected them so much that I never really tried to understand them. Driven by their instincts, they kept falling for the alpha males who'd talk dirty and treat them like a slut. Their genes sought power, aggression...they sought something else and I was left in an illusory world. A world which never was. Ma, I know you meant no evil, but I have desires, and you told me exactly what kept me from it....you kept me hungry ma. But I have no qualms...I know you told me what you thought was the right thing to do.
You told me ma, you told me that I was special, and that I have a special place. You treated me that way.....you did so out of your love....off course, I was special to you, I still am....and I love you back, ma...but you never told me that people are not special...its their position and the power they hold that makes them so. I know that it'll sound harsh and insensitive, but had I had a different body than the one born from you (presuming soul is existant), would "I" still be special to you ma ? Would you love me ? Tell me you would ma.... please.
I relaxed, for your love gave me comfort....I knew that I was loved for my existence and not for my achievements. I thank you for that ma....and I love you so much. But I wish you taught me, I wish you taught me that I had to fight in a world where I was just another cog.
But I thank you too, for your shadow gave me art. It gave me my imagination. Your shadow let me see the monster in the big green trees in Pandey Paikuli, yes and in that sense it gave me fear, ....but It let me see things that dont exist....that never will exist. It gave me happiness.
In time, the art would pick up from romanticism and I learnt to love. I thank you mother, for you helped me find the most beautiful girl in the world, twice :D. You gave me what it takes to love, and be loved in return. And I love you for everything you have been to me, both good and bad.
Sometimes I look back however, and wonder how life would have been for me had I been more "run of the mill". I was particularly contemplative of all the opportunities that I have had of associating with the opposite sex. I see so many possibilities that I squandered just because I didnt ever know that I was supposed to be taking them ! So much so that I actually didnt even try !
I would prefer a book to a date, even a movie or an "assabhya" chalchitra better than a date. I believe it was the conditioning from childhood that it was "wrong" to seek love on your own.
But then that conditioning is again what took me to whom I finally found. And the story wouldnt be anything short of a bollywood flick , if only we let it out.
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